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The Mathematics of Attraction
by Lisa A. Riley, LMFT
“Oh, if I could write the beauty
of her eyes! I was born to look in
them and know myself.” —
from the movie “Shakespeare
in Love”
 It
happens to all of us at some point: we meet a stranger perhaps,
or maybe it’s someone we've known all along, and suddenly
from out of the clear blue sky falls the beginnings of attraction.
Pangs of excitement start deep in our stomach, spread across every
inch of our body, and form a smile whenever we think about them.
The anticipation of our next meeting, the next phone call, the next
chance to hear their voice, consumes our mind, body and soul. Their
favorite color appears everywhere; song lyrics we’ve heard
a thousand times take on new meaning and grab firmly onto our heart
compelling us to sing the words out loud. An unexpected urge to
write poetry and to express ourselves artistically, bewitches us
from a dormant longing. Suddenly we begin to understand why others
have described the spark of attraction as “feeling alive again.”
It’s as if something within us, once asleep, had been jolted
awake.
Without warning we find ourselves motivated to become a better person
and surprisingly we are able to envision glimpses of our full potential.
Limitless possibilities shape our perception of the future and the
flood of emotion that goes along with them, are brought to us like
a beautifully wrapped gift dropped into our open waiting hands.
All the while we attribute this arousing to the one who captured
our heart.
Or is it?
The question we often forget to ask when we find ourselves swept
away inside the sublime of attraction is what really draws us to
that person in the first place? We may want to believe it’s
their eyes, their intellect, their beauty—or simply the way
we feel when that person is in our immediate presence. Perhaps inside
those basic thoughts lies the core of attraction.
When we fall in love, we feel a powerful connection as if the broken
fragments of our own yearnings are assembled together into one complete
picture, and all those little painful pockets are magically cured.
Love songs, movies, and advertisements often weave a convincing
message that in order for us to feel complete, to be who we truly
are, we must first obtain our other half, our lover, partner, “the
one” who will complete us. Believing our inner wholeness can
be found in the other person as oppose to seeing how it already
exist inside of us and always has been.
In reality, it is not the lover we seek, but rather the calling
of our authentic self, starving to be expressed. When we get sucked
into the belief that, "If only I had someone special to love
me, I would feel happy,” perhaps the real message should be,
"If only I could love myself, then I would feel happy."
We must first be whole on our own accord before feeling whole with
another.
This is why people can often enter a relationship with high expectations,
but later experience disappointment when they discover that their
partner does not match up to their idealized vision. Yet if we pay
close enough attention to that initial attraction, when the spark
first strikes, there we can find the opportunity to uncover hidden
steppingstones. Pausing to ask our self, “Are the qualities,
interests and accomplishments, I am attracted to in the other person
the very things I have desire to obtain for myself?” can begin
reconnecting us with who we truly are.
As an exercise, you might want to examine in what ways have you
put off becoming the person you always dreamed to be. Have you postponed
taking that dance, writing or painting class you’ve been craving
to do? Have you deprived yourself of a trip you always wanted to
take, but continually convinced yourself you needed a partner to
go with? Have you denied yourself the dream of pursuing something
beyond a 9 to 5 job? You already know in your heart what suddenly
sparks your creative side, what energizes and inspires you. The
very things that resonate with who you are, are the seeds of your
inner wholeness.
Believe it or not, there isn’t one other person alive right
now, not one out of nearly seven billion people on this planet,
who can fulfill our every need, or even bring a sense of completeness
to our lives. We must first discover what connects us directly to
our true and timeless selves. By honoring that deep resonate voice
within that begins every sentence with, “If only I…”
or, “I’ve always wanted to…” or, “I
wish I could…” we embark on an awakening of our sleeping
self. Creating a strong foundation on which to stand provides the
stage we require to fully give to and receive love from another.
The goal of a relationship is not looking for completion by absorbing
another person into our half-empty identity, but rather to embrace
him or her as a complement to an already whole self, and for them
the same. Perhaps the next time you find the intoxicating pull of
attraction tugging at your heart, mind and body, pause and ask what
is it about that person that you are already missing in your own
life. By taking a step back to examine yourself in relation to them,
you might finally give yourself the emotional B-12 you need towards
obtaining that ideal relationship you dream about, and the one you
know is possible.
It’s not out there. It’s in here.
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